It's probably no secret that I am a planner. I love lists and scheduling and organizing. Perhaps that is why it has been said that I “live” by my planner and my planner alone. My friends often make remarks about being “penciled in” and joke about making appointments to hang out with me. Even with only a part-time job, I manage to keep myself busy by painting and organizing my house, visiting my grandparents and painting and writing. ALL of these things are written neatly and orderly in my planner. Well, at least they would be if my 2017 planner were here.
You see, back before Christmas I careful selected the all-powerful pages that I would shape my life around. My mother ordered these pages for me and held them for my Christmas present. To be quite honest, every day after November 27th was like nails on a chalkboard for me. January was coming and yet I had no planner to write things in! I had stuff to do the first week in January but nowhere to write it!
Eventually, Christmas morning came and I unwrapped a cardboard box to find the beautiful floral patterned pages of my 2017 planner refill pages. Alas! I could plan my year with the pages I loved. I could only imagine the lists and notes that would soon fill the beautiful stationary. The only problem was, they were the wrong size.
Unfortunately, I had to send my pages back to the company and wait patiently for them to exchange my order. It's now been three weeks and I'm still waiting due to the small size of the company. As you can imagine, this has made me very anxious and tense, especially when I look at the spiral-bound notebook currently sificing as my planner. (It obviously falls short. I mean there aren't even any monthly calendars!)
It wasn't until today that I realized maybe this was a larger metaphor for the current season of my life. Over the past few months I have tried desperately to come up with some sort of plan or vision for the next chapter of my life. I've applied for jobs, wrote out my goals, even looked for new projects to embark on. The thing is, I still don't have a clear vision. I don't have a plan and it's killing me. At times I feel dissapointed in myself for not having a career lined up. At other times I get down because I am back waitressing and broke like I was five years ago in college. Was I falling backwards? Was I running in circles? Where is my life headed? What's my plan?
At times like these I have to remind myself that God is in control. Maybe there is a reason he is making me wait on my plan (and my planner.) Although it is frustrating and hard, he has me blindly following him for a reason. A good friend of mine reminded me that if I had a full-time job I wouldn't be able to do half the things I've currently been doing. The reading, the writing, the painting and socializing would all be cut into a much smaller size. Suddenly it became clear that the time I've been given is a blessing. Once I thought about it I realized how happy I was waking up and creating art at my own leisure. It was kind of nice having extra time to spend with my family and friends. Maybe this lack of a plan wasn't so bad afterall. Sometimes I have to just slow down and take a deep breath. God is in control.